Considering that the whole country is awash with political and economic talk at the present time, I shall refrain from any comment on the serious issues this month. I've decided instead to focus on one-liners, quips, general quotes or as we call them around Ballagh, “spakes” and around Charlestown, “chirps”. The following are a random mixed bag of quotes, some deep, some funny, some both.

It was Somerset Maughan who observed, “The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit”. Can't argue with that. Mickey Rooney, the actor, was quite useful in his day at giving the delicious quote. Mickey was of course married on eight occasions. His spake on marriage was, “if one insists on getting married, make sure to do so early in the morning, that way, if it doesn't work out, the whole day isn't wasted!” Robin Williams spoke about divorce thus, “Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet!”

The brilliant Spike Milligan once commented, “ a sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree!”

A fellow called Larry Hardiman said of politics, “the word politics is derived from the word Poly, meaning many, and the word Ticks, meaning blood-sucking parasites!”

Given the current economic climate, I particularly love this quote from E. Joseph Cossman; “Drive in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners!” Still with the economic theme, one Oscar Wilde observed over a century ago “we live in an age where unnecessary things are our only necessities!” Returning briefly to Spike Milligan, the one time Goon reckoned “money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery!”

The great Albert Einstein once opined, “not everything that can be counted, counts and not everything that counts, can be counted!” I quite like this one as well from Henry Ward Beecher, “the difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will and the other from a strong won't!” James Freeman Clarke said, “a politician thinks of the next election, a statesman of the next generation!”

Brian Behan on his advocacy of polygamy, “Sexual appetite is largely composed of curiosity, how can you be curious about someone you've lived with for twenty years?”

Ireland for years was synonymous with big families and even good ol' Daniel O'Donnell volunteered his tuppence worth on the subject, stating, “if you have a big family, you're either a good Catholic or a bad Protestant!”

The following is Tommy Tiernan's take on the death of Jesus, “Jesus must have been Irish because his father, Joseph Christ, wasn't at his crucifixion. It's so typical of an Irish father to miss out on his son's golden moment. If Jesus told him he rose from the dead three days later, he would probably have said, 'I suppose you think you're great now, do ye', and your mother home alone for the whole weekend!”

The playwright Hugh Leonard gave his take on being Irish “an Irishman will always soften bad news, so that a major coronary is no more than 'a bad turn' and a near hurricane that leaves thousands homeless is, 'good dryin' weather!”

Dusty Young reckoned that “sex and drink killed my father, he couldn't get either so he shot himself!”

Having concentrated on quotes so far, maybe it's time for a quick quip...“You mean you made all that noise for nothing?” R. B. Sheridan to a waiter who had dropped a tray without breaking a dish. ...or an insult…Michael McDowell famously said of Gay Mitchell, “he's the evil of two lessers”!

I'll finish with a response from James Dillon to a fella in the Dail bar. The guy in question was a bit the worse for wear after having one or two too many when he bumped into Dillon and asked him where the jacks was. Dillon duly told him, “go out the door, turn right and down at the end of the corridor, there's a door on the right marked 'gentlemen', but don't let that deter you”!

Noel D. Walsh