I want to clear up something in the diary. Grace Jones does not eat men and use their ribs for toothpicks. Just because she is statuesque, this nasty rumour has been spread by Pygmy types.

Over to America, did you know Obama is a Citeóg? As they say in the East “seiten no heks-seki” or a thunderclap from a clear sky. We need an abundance of caution said the American Chief Justice Roberts. A Citeóg is a Citeóg, even in the White House.

Mrs. Grace Mugabwe assaulted a photographer in Hong Kong while wearing diamond encrusted rings functioned like a high-class knuckleduster. We have a clever plan. Our local photographer Mickey is to bring her to Crennane for anger management. She won’t try it on, on our Mickey McC. He also hopes to entice Robert Mugabwe for “letting go of control” counselling. One recommended exercise opens the palm of the hand and then closes it and opens it again letting go of a small pebble. Alistair Crannóg, my Spin-doctor, said aggressively “keep out of Zimbabwe and stop talking about powerful Citeógs.” Anger management too for Setanta Ó Hailpín for kicking someone called Cloke up the clacken, as the Australians say. It was a mere tape said Setanta.

In Lower Normandy, the Police Chief has been sacked for failing to shield President Sarcozy from boos and catcalls in the town of Saint- Lu. They sought my advice for next time and I suggested the Nuns Chorus played loudly or Joseph Locke’s recording of Goodbye from the White House Inn.

It is not all sweetness and light. I had a letter attacking me from Ken – Barbie’s other half. He accused me of not mentioning him in last month’s diary, even though he had broken up with Barbie. Nothing as bitter as a dumped Ken while Barbie’s getting all the attention. I suggested as de Saint Exapery might say, “Listen to the music of life”. I cannot write what Ken said. It was all Bs and Fs and I don’t mean Beethoven and Faust. I covered my delicate ears. No wonder Barbie dumped him.

Spring is coming. Crennane awaits both of the Mugabwes and Setanta Ó Hailpín. Whine, whinge and anger management is the way forward.